tw for rape, internalized victim blaming
I’m currently at a beach house with family members who love me but who would never be able to deal with someone they love being raped in a way that is sensitive or well, beneficial to me. They keep talking about people who let themselves be victims and I’ve run out of things to say about the weather.
this seems like the perfect time for the first draft of a project I’ve been putting off.
I don’t have answers about trauma or survival. I have anger and I have certainty that this anger cannot sustain me forever but no one has given me any other solution or any sort of justice. I am dealing.
I am enduring.
I am not good at writing about what happened to me in concrete terms. I am not good at remembering what happened either, just flashes of it and the knowledge that I apologized to my rapists as they hurt me.
I am still working on becoming real again. I am still working on becoming
I am also, obviously, still working on this project. I don’t believe in catharsis - but I believe in creating my own narrative, one where I get to choose the plot. And well, if that means I’m going to be egotistical so be it.